While the world focused on numbers 8 and 24 in memory and mourning of Kobe Bryant, World Wrestling Entertainment presented humanity’s craziest calculus known not as derivatives, rather the annual 30-man Royal Rumble.
Sunday’s astronomical skeptical in Minute Maid Park captivated the 42,715 fans screaming in anticipation of new entrants every 90 seconds, agony of 29 defeats and adulation for victor Drew McIntyre. The exhilaration provided desperately needed respite from the unrelenting hailstorm of cheating controversies torridly attacking an innocent Astros fanbase helplessly watching previously heroic players unveil villainous visages.
“The Beast” Brock Lesnar led off the far more venerable Royal Rumble lineup. This fact proved rather unfortunate for rock star/wrestler hybrid Elias. Elias quickly learned eliminating Lesnar in the squared circle presents a challenge equal to besting Hendrix in a guitar dual. Always leaving his opponent in a hurtful haze, Lesnar ultimately shredded Elias’ guitar over his battered body, eliminating Elias’ chance for an encore. The third entrant Eric Rowan didn’t fare much better. Despite always carrying around a mysterious cage, Rowan swiftly learned Lesnar is an unconstrained Beast.
Afterward, Lesnar dispatched Bobby Roode and eliminated John Morrison with a ruthless overhead suplex that could’ve made him face a premature demise like Jim Morrison. Kofi Kingston’s subsequent entrance opened the door to opportunity. Kingston entered with vengeance in his eyes (Lesnar’s current title run started by defeating Kingston in under three minutes) and Houdini-esque escapes in his extensive Royal Rumble highlight reel. Once again, Lesnar’s melee eviscerated Kingston’s magic. Kingston’s New Day tag partner Big E suffered the same fate, as did veteran Rey Mysterio, who couldn’t overcome the size and strength deficit. “The Swiss Superman” Cesaro summoned his immense strength next. Like all competitors to this point, Lesnar proved to be humanoid Kryptonite.
Surprise entrant MVP wrestling in a Black Panther suit learned Vibranium was no better than Kryptonian molecules in slaying the rampaging beast. Before MVP’s elimination, Shelton Benjamin orchestrated another blast from the past. A former tag team champion, Benjamin attempted to persuade the notoriously isolated Lesnar into forming an alliance forged on the memories of the two’s days as real amateur wrestling teammates at the University of Minnesota. After appearing to accept the offer with a hug, Lesnar shrewdly rescinded, eliminating the unsuspecting Benjamin to shady manager Paul Heyman’s delight.
Though Lesnar amassed 11 consecutive eliminations with ease, difficulty skyrocketed upon encountering NXT North American Champion Keith Lee. In his Royal Rumble debut, the gargantuan powerhouse left a big impression and even larger imprints on Lesnar, overpowering him immediately. Former powerlifter Stroman’s arrival created a titanic triple threat to the audience’s delight. Lesnar muscled both behemoths for the crescendo in his 26-minute symphony of destruction. However, nobody’s testicles are as strong as their triceps except Duke Nukem. That vulgar aside acted as the premise of Lesnar’s fatal flaw. Lesnar’s unceremonious exit was spurred by a kick in the groin by Ricochet and a Claymore Kick in the face via McIntyre.
While Lesnar roared in pain, the beast’s slaying elicited a collective roar from the audience comparable to any wrestling reception in the last several years. Myles Kennedy’s soaring vocals in “Metalingus” served as the keynote of the 2020 Men’s Royal Rumble climax: Edge’s return. Gone for eight years but never forgotten, “The Rated R Superstar” received an A-grade reception from the audience. He maximized the ample adrenaline rush by delivering his trademark spears to any moving body, his return serving as a fun linchpin for the Rumble’s remainder. Edge’s absence created an abundance of opportunity for cool first-time interactions with new faces and a nostalgia-nestling reunion with former Rated RKO Partner Randy Orton. The two alongside McIntyre and betting favorite Roman Reigns withstood “The Monday Night Messiah” Seth Rollins’ cleverly written attempt to overhaul the Rumble in unholy fashion via his four dastardly disciples who didn’t let their unofficial status impede their attempt to influence the Rumble outcome. Though they served as catalysts of Samoa Joe and Kevin Owens’ elimination, the plan to win exploded in Rollins’ face.
The final four of Edge, Orton, McIntyre and Reigns generated excitement rivaling any March Madness. Edge fulfilled his “Ultimate Opportunist” moniker, scoring an elimination of an unsuspecting Orton. The beautiful betrayal led to a well-booked finale that concluded with Mcintyre winning the Men’s Royal Rumble for the first time.
As history etches McIntyre in the history books as the sole winner, WWE and its loyal fanbase emerger equally victorious. Lesnar’s dominance arguably swallowed too many superstars, but the dominant display provided a pinpoint assist to the second half that was able to score off the unpredictability Lesnar’s elimination created. McIntyre leaves amply prepared for a star-making Wrestlemania program with Lesnar; more fuel was poured on the Rollins/AOP/Buddy Murphy vs. Joe/Owens fire and Keith Lee gained crucial exposure. The only real flaw to offer is that the pace of eliminations and their frequently unceremonious nature was sometimes tough to digest. This Rumble is in serious contention for top five status , only trailing 1992, 2001 and 2004 with widespread certainty.
Ultimately, The event concocted a palatable entertainment elixir by mixing engaging ingenuity with a smart match layout that seamlessly weaved the past, existing stories and individuals’ interconnections. The success should allow WWE to successfully merge onto the Road to Wrestlemania without issue and arrive at a decent Wrestlemania.
The the caliber of tonight’s Royal Rumble and optimism for the ensuing future far exceeds previous years: a nice sentiment to end an unforgettably morose day on.
Rating: 4.5/5
